So, in my time off from work, I have been doing several things. For the most part playing MMO games just has not interested me at all. Civilization V with its really long play time and turn based play has been pretty fair though. Occassionally I will binge watch a program on NetFlix.
Currently I am working my way through the TV program West Wing. As I sit down to write this, I feel a lot like Sam or Tobey writing one of the speeches for either the President or the Press Secretary. I spend a lot of time weighing the information that I have and that I wish to pass on to others, evaluating how much to give, how it will likely effect people, the crafting of the wording. Even though I do it electronically at first to ensure that I can wrap my own mind around the subject matter and process it all, you would not believe the sheer number of drafts that can go into one of these updates. It is hard to convey how tiring the process is when the news to be relayed is so mind numbingly consuming even before I sit down to write this up for others even when the news is good.
Unfortunately, the news today is far from good.
The word from the oncologist is this : Stage 4 bladder cancer is in my lymphatic system which is almost always fatal. The main variable now is how compromised my system is and how 'energetic' the infestation. At this point, he is unwilling to estimate until there is additional imaging done and initial rounds of chemotherapy have been started to test its effects.
The oncologist is going to work with the general surgeon to place a line into my system through which chemotherapy will be able to be administered. He is scheduling PET scan of pretty much my entire system and CT scans of it as well. This will not effect the chemo much other than the intensity. Until chemo is started, he won't know how long, how much or how effective it may be. He was very willing to say to my work that he can conservatively estimate at least 3-6 months of treatment. He is also signing me up for a once a week class on chemotherapy so that I can better understand effects and set my expectations but... he was very good at relaying the impression that since the bladder cancer has literally seized me by the throat, that I shouldn't have many expectations, that it is a matter of when, not if. He was able to legitimately state that if my cancer responds to treatment that I may be able to add a few years and return to work. However, even so, again, it is a matter of when, not if.
As you can imagine, this news hit myself hard and I can only believe that it likely is hitting those of my audience hard as well. I am sorry for that effect but I believe it is better to be up front than have people hearing this information obfuscated and altered in a game of word of mouth/telephone. As the last news took me several days to process before putting on the wire, I think I am doing better, adjusting to my new 'reality', since you are seeing this information in a much more timely manner. This doesn't mean I am finding the news easier to take I assure you. It is just that this news comes as the latest onslaught and I can only be shocked so long before I go numb which is pretty much where I am at now.
Currently I am working my way through the TV program West Wing. As I sit down to write this, I feel a lot like Sam or Tobey writing one of the speeches for either the President or the Press Secretary. I spend a lot of time weighing the information that I have and that I wish to pass on to others, evaluating how much to give, how it will likely effect people, the crafting of the wording. Even though I do it electronically at first to ensure that I can wrap my own mind around the subject matter and process it all, you would not believe the sheer number of drafts that can go into one of these updates. It is hard to convey how tiring the process is when the news to be relayed is so mind numbingly consuming even before I sit down to write this up for others even when the news is good.
Unfortunately, the news today is far from good.
The word from the oncologist is this : Stage 4 bladder cancer is in my lymphatic system which is almost always fatal. The main variable now is how compromised my system is and how 'energetic' the infestation. At this point, he is unwilling to estimate until there is additional imaging done and initial rounds of chemotherapy have been started to test its effects.
The oncologist is going to work with the general surgeon to place a line into my system through which chemotherapy will be able to be administered. He is scheduling PET scan of pretty much my entire system and CT scans of it as well. This will not effect the chemo much other than the intensity. Until chemo is started, he won't know how long, how much or how effective it may be. He was very willing to say to my work that he can conservatively estimate at least 3-6 months of treatment. He is also signing me up for a once a week class on chemotherapy so that I can better understand effects and set my expectations but... he was very good at relaying the impression that since the bladder cancer has literally seized me by the throat, that I shouldn't have many expectations, that it is a matter of when, not if. He was able to legitimately state that if my cancer responds to treatment that I may be able to add a few years and return to work. However, even so, again, it is a matter of when, not if.
As you can imagine, this news hit myself hard and I can only believe that it likely is hitting those of my audience hard as well. I am sorry for that effect but I believe it is better to be up front than have people hearing this information obfuscated and altered in a game of word of mouth/telephone. As the last news took me several days to process before putting on the wire, I think I am doing better, adjusting to my new 'reality', since you are seeing this information in a much more timely manner. This doesn't mean I am finding the news easier to take I assure you. It is just that this news comes as the latest onslaught and I can only be shocked so long before I go numb which is pretty much where I am at now.
I am glad this news has the impact on me it has. Means you became part of who I am. And that is something I will treasure. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being in my life. Wishing you so much better than you are getting...
ReplyDeleteThanks boss. I know I can be one heck of a trial and pain at times but it sounds like you valued it as well. In life we get what we get.. our lives are what we do with what we get and how we effect others while we do it.
Delete*hugs* Stay strong...
ReplyDeleteThanks lil kitty and always remember that the toys tend to be 'hiding' under the couch and the refridgerator ;) *huuuuuuuuuuuug*
DeleteWishing you and yours all the best in these sucky times, dear gobbo. You are in Ciciz' and my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThanks Nargoth and Ciciz. Stay strong together and keep forging ahead. if times get tough, get your little kittens together in a cuddle pile with you. kitten cuddle piles make everything better.
DeleteWe will smother the little fuckers with our affection. There, that'll teach'm!
Deleteyou might think that.. but they know where you sleep.. and where you leave your boots ;)
Delete*hugs*
ReplyDelete*hugs to you too*
DeleteSoo.... I've been away for a while, and just saw and read the update. So sorry to hear that mother nature doesn't want to give you any chances... Take care dear Robert, and try to do all the things you've wanted to do but didn't get to actually doing them. And don't forget: hope is the last which goes away.
ReplyDeleteYou're always in my thoughts.
*hugs the Gobbo*
Oh man :( There are no words man, I'm sorry is such a weak thing to say. Treasure the rest of your time, fuck work go do what you want and what you need.
ReplyDelete