Alyxyn continues to be scummy!

Okay.. I will write this as my player rather than as my terribly twisted little goblin alterego just so that you can all read this post.

Alyxyn came into being quite some time ago in a guild far far away.  Okay.. well anyway, a different guild.  At that point he really wasn't that much into PVP as *I* am not into PVP at all.  Way too often I see people being douchebags and outright asses to each other in PVP forgetting that there are other people actually behind the characters they are ganking for the 20th straight time in 5 minutes.

Due to this I didn't do much in the arena at all until they initiated the scrapbook.  With the scrapbook I didn't have much choice but do some arena work in order to max out my level in there.  I still didn't like the PVP at that time, didn't like it at all but I kept going intermittently.

Then there were a couple people in other guilds that would attack me wantonly.  A couple of leaders of other guilds would even burn mushrooms, up to a dozen a day, to attack me and maybe win once or twice.  The consolation I took out of that is that heck.. they are even paying the game money in order to beat on Alyxyn's little green butt so they are paying to help the game out and I can contribute that way.  Generally as a response, I would attack them back to reclaim the honor points that I will have lost to them.

Today, I pretty much hold my level of Honor by being mostly a nice guy and helping out Q.  I only really attack someone when they get 1000 honor above me and I can be scummy and attack them without cost to me (I hope you all know that if you attack this way and lose.. you lose NOTHING.. but if you win, you gain honor and gold and strip them of the same?)

In any case, I mostly am quiet (other than Alyxyn running his mouth at times) in the PVP area.  I know I am not the best, I don't even try, I just try to help and stay at my current level.

However, all that said, today I had to prove just how scummy I AND Alyxyn are.

Yesterday, seeing that I was less than 20 victories away from the 5000 kill gladiator medal and its prize of higher stats, I mentioned it in guild chat and then followed Q's advice to beat up on some lowbies to get my victories.. but I stopped one victory shy... at 4999 victories.

Today, when I went to the doctor to be seen, I got home to find a lovely lovely green email in my mailbox.  nNelg had attacked me and lost.  Therefore to be highly scummy, I turned around and forwarded the results to nNelg.  With this email, I included a thank you for being the 5000th loser to Alyxyn in the arena and my appreciation for him delivering to me the Gladiatorial Medal that he did.  The best part is that.. 'he did it to himself by attacking me' bwahahahaha

Just had to share the love and scumminess :)

Babblings from da Bilge

Please notice de diffunce in de title.  Dere's not a bulletin zo ah dun changed it a bit chust fer dist post.

Fer dose few dat maht not knows.. ah dun lives in de USA un today iz de Independence Day celebrated with much alcohol, voluminous consumption un large quantities of 'splody stuffs.

Mah own fahrwerks happened a little early dis holidah.

Werking on a 'puter I wuz crossin from mah dining room tah mah libin room un mah toe caught on wot hadda be a Nargipoo trap, a four cell Maglite flashlaht.  Frum dere, it becum a very Keystone Kop moment, smashing intah a chair, den slamming muh poor lil noggin onto the corner of a wall, taking out a doggy gate un den seein one heckuva fireworks display.

I was wakin up when mah wahf dun cum in tah see wot de hell ah dun did dis tahm.

She found me sprawled and coming back to consciousness, a smear of blood down our white wall, slowly pooling blood under my head, my hand coated in blood and me sayin.. 'huh? wot?'

Now ah dun gotta admit dat ah have seldumb bin de most graceful o gobbos un ah have had well ovah 200 stitches scattered thru mah lahf so mah wahf dun knows when its tahm ta see a Quack un dat we did.

Ahm bak home now lookin evah so much lahk mah picture in de game since diz tahm dey dun put my scalp togethah with 5 staples.  wheeee.


Back to the scumminess.

Alyxyn, da Green Menace (to himself)

Well ah dun finished mah mirror.. talk about anticlimatic.. no angels comin down tah 'grat' me, no frickin supermodel handing me a dang award or ennytin.  dey doezn't effen change mah backdrop dat ah kin see.  *sighs* but.. least ah kin quest AND go inta da towah at da some time.  un.. more attacks on Alupoopoohead iz allays gut.

Unclear posting

Slowly, reluctantly, the sun rises over the horizon, bright beams cutting through smog and low lying clouds to dispel another gloomy night. As a signal to the throngs collected on the shore, the light triggers the mornings unmoorings. Dilapidated scows and heavily worn family heirloom ships struggle into the bay of the city, a milling mass setting forth to drag sustenance from unhealthily garbage strewn waters. No glory lays in the struggle to merely feed the families, the masses, no riches sought nor ambitions beyond life itself. In the cries of desperation and growls of famished bellies, little matters but what can be dragged forth to stave off another day's hungers.


As they dip into the slime of the bay, the worn and oft-repaired nets collect debris even more than they do small fish hiding from the jaws of the predators of the deeper waters. Eager hands draw forth what little bounty can be had, hastily scouring the detritus from the sustenance they seek, discarding the unsought back into the churning waters from which it arose. Discarded boxes and broken furnishings are lifted and tossed in a seemingly unending cycle until as occasionally occurs, a loud outcry is heard.

Minaes Finfoot, a billowing beast of a man burdened by an unfortunate birth defect not unheard of on these waste strewn shores, looks down at the uncommon contents of his net. In the much knotted netting lays entangled a laktofish, a bottomfeeding, spiny fish that is sought not for its meat but rather for its bones which can be enscribed well with scrimshaw. Seizing up the fish, Minaes smacks its head against the seat of his small boat to grant it a fast death that is his usual offering to the Sea god. As the long flat head of the fish cracks soundly, from its jaws is flung a small green gelatinous mass to fall wetly amongst Minaes' other few catches for the morning.

Laying down his prize, the begrimed fisherman moves to clean the mess from the limp side of a small blue bramson which he was looking to eat for his lunch, using a sodden sleeve to wipe the mass from the flesh. His arm touching the blob, Minaes howls as razor sharp teeth sink into his flesh before releasing him. With nary a thought, Minaes lashes out with his one good foot, smiting the blob a blow and sending it over the side of his small vessel to splash back into the water.
As he begins to work at his net once more, a small green form bobs to the surface several feet from him.

ScumFlash: Impressive Scrapbook Improvement

Seeing our Green Menace is a little swamped (haha, the Green Menace is swamped) in work atm. We'll do a very tiny mockup instead.

I should have known he would post something as soon as I tried to cover his boney ass... Fine, I'll make it a scumflash instead!



Impressive Scrapbook Improvement:

• Keldonhing  8.82 %
• Zimmi  5.88 %
• CrusaderBin  4.30 %
• Parrish  2.89 %
• farkentje  2.82 %
• Neithe  1.59 %
• Ciciz  1.47 %
• Revliss  1.30 %

Very impressive progress over the last week scum. Hope to welcome you all to the 95% club soon (apart from Revliss, cause she already is a member).

With a loud squeak of "Hi Ho Geiko!" the Green Menace comes in riding a small mottled lizard who is strapped into a saddle and harness. Scurrying about on the floor, the Green Menace rides the small gecko in amongst the legs of the tables and barstools in the room before laughing loudly and heading for the AllPunishing GBrain's throne.

A hearty "giddemup" echoes minisculy through the bar as the gecko's surface grabbing feet start the pair up GBrain's boot, then knee and scurry ever upwards despite the Despot's wild dance-like gyrations to dislodge them. In a burst of speed and agility, the gecko leaps from the points of GBoss' head as if it was a diving board, flinging it across the space to the bulletin board.

As the gecko spreads its feet wide to take the impact, its rider throws out a playing card, the Duece of Clubs to smack onto the bulletin board, followed momentarily by the Green Menace triumphantly sinking a dart into the board as if planting a flag on the top of a mountain but pinning the card with the dart.

The gecko scampering along the wall sideways, the goblin holds on for his life as he calls out a 'alalalalalalalalalalala' before ducking into a large rat hole and disappearing.

As the echo dies down and the quiet resumes, broken only by bellowing snores, the card remains in the gloom with the following notations in itty bitty eye straining script:

"wahl ya'll its been a mostly quiet week. We dun got lost in de dunjon with de boss rolling da Q into a pit unexpectedly. With the next attempt, Q ended up playing handball with de dunjon boss before da guy tripped him up un bounced him offah da wall a few times."

"Uthahwise we be flirtin with an honah hole between numbah 1 un numbah 3 in which weez too fah betwixt fer uz tah git nuttin from Endless witout winning nor frum numbah 3 even wit us winnin.

"Fer dis week's Buthday Bashin, ahr leadah (fearful o only AAylia and Revi) GBoss dun got 280, Geekster and Woopydoo hit 290, Zimmah dun popped ovah 260, MasterDoDo hit 230, Oswalt un Turducken both snagged 220 un srike hit 200.

"As achiefemunts, Gregor Clegane un Usty both dun got 3 lebels last week. Dis contribooted tah a total growth o 55 levels in a week which iz nuttin to sneeze at

"Da 95% club holds steady at 26 members (52%) un lotsa pipples been puttin in dere time tah move inta it. Top o de heap wuz CrusaderBin at 2.76. Following him, AAylia slathered 2.24% of her book to join da pahtah 95% club. Behind her.. probably fascinated by the view of her behind.. came TDI with 1.76. Scrubby put in 1.24 un MaxPower put in 1.12, Da restah da scum cum in at less den effen .50%"

"In uthah werds.. cummon ya'll.. git yer checkin back up dere so we do bettah. Also de big Boss be lukin fer new officeers so start mailin him early un oftin witcher volunteerin."

Week ending Feb 19, 2012

Week Ending Feb 12, 2012

The guildhall stands quiet save for the clink of steins as casks of Dolgan's Finest get tapped furiously. The bulletin board stands starkly empty, save for last week's announcement of the missing of the data faerie, in fact even the skylight that normally highlights the bulletin board is dark, covered over with that bloody attire obviously taken from a dead pirate.

This is highly puzzling even in your beersoaked state until you totter over to the trapdoor down into the bilge and find several huge spikes protruding up through the wood, hammered over into bent pieces of metal akin to a 'modern art' sculpture. Lacquered onto the wood surface itself, having dried over the past few days, is a note reading in a scrawl "Leaf off".

Through a small slit in the door, however, protrudes a single long strip of paper:

"72 Meg
left when Q rolled off to bed
dunjon dun beat us"

"Scum off sleeping hard
Endless wins with low click in
solid number two"

"Growth slow in scum ranks
TDI top with but 3
42 for all"

"Birthday bashes out
GBoss announces in blog
not going into here"

"Gloryinchaos
Departed for now and non
back maybe one day"

"Ranks in arena
stumble, shuffle, bounce and fall
Q reclaim top rank."
"Many claim top ranks,
Thirteen above fifty now
keep climbing! Scum Rule!"

"Some happy me gone
nailed in bilge, halls quiet
enjoy the echo."

Amongst the riotous welcoming parties being held in the guildhall, there is one small thing missing, though everyone overlooks it in their celebrations. The clash of steins, the pounding on the bar, the calls for Ciciz's sweet refills, all cover something missing. About the dozenth time Nargipoofufu has to be helped back onto a barstool and Dolgan has to be rolled under a table, it occurs to Iola that her boots are still polished and shiny despite being in the guild hall and AAylia notices that none of her blades have gone mysteriously missing.

An errant odoriferous blast from the AllPunishing as he sits onto his throne ruffles a tiny note that has been pinned into the forearm of the throne bearing only a short legend "no data fairy, ah thinks Revliss haz it taped down sumwhar". This small note having drawn your attention, your eyes rise next to the bulletin board where a short note on a race track betting slip dangles:

"Diz week we dun kilt de dunjon 36! Go Scum, Roll on!. Newb Scum ahr Gregor Clegane un Ustarach az dun bin called out ahn celebrated. In da wake oh inishul celebrashun of Ustarach, diz reportah wuz dun knocked loopah by ah table un iz still collectin up hiz birdies dat be circlin hiz head ahl de tahm. Alzo in dere summars da data fairy dat dun leaves me notes on yall seems tah be gone. Scattered reports say it is possible dat Quilp may have rolled awry un squished da data fairy intah a sparklah paste reminescent o dead Twilight vampies."

short post on week ending Feb 5, 2012

The guildhall is gloomy and quiet as the Green Menace shimmies down from the rafters. Only soft squishes can be heard, quickly squelched in the moist air, as he moves from shadow to shadow looking furtively about. Even in the dark you can see that the goblin is slightly different than normal before it occurs to you.. he has darkened his skin, rubbing soot and grime onto his skin and clothes to better blend with the murk.

Cautiously he peers around, gazing at the doorway, behind the bar, over the coatrack, into the weapon racks as he slowly makes his way to the bulletin board. Holding his breath, he carefully uses an oiled arrow to pin a sheet of paper to the board before ducking behind GBrain's throne.

Peering around the massive chair of the AllPunishing, Alyxyn checks out the darkness again before making a hasty break for the door, rushing at high speed for the safety of the outer rooms. His toenails make small ruts in the floor as he digs for traction to drive himself faster in his headlong flight, only to be met at the door with the scaly demonic arm of Pizzar.

The Green Menace's eyes go wide, his feet and body leaving the floor, as his body rotates around the clothelining reach of the demon he so recently rode into numerous battles successfully. Spinning end over end Alyxyn flies through the door to slam into the wall head down like a cartoon of Wile E. Coyote, complete with small tweeting birds circling his head.

Slumping to the ground and accidentally squishing a slower moving pair of the birds, Alyxyn groggily rests for just a moment as the jumbled mass loosely referred to as his brain tries to sort itself out. It is only a matter of a moment before the massive fist of Pizzar the Mighty reaches out and plucks Alyxyn up by his pointy little ears, shaking him to and fro.

"What about my EARS you danged little gremlin? What did you do to my EARS?" Pizzar bellows into Alyxyn's face, spattering his cheeks with spittle.

Blushing slightly for a moment, Alyxyn bats his eyes as additional birds seem determined to hover about his head. Stammeringly, he responds apologetically "Ah needed ta be abull tah foller direkshuns so.. ah needed ta mark yer ears fer reference."

Shaken again, Alyxyn's ears stretch and bounce back as Pizzar shakes him "You tattooed me you blasted little RAT!"

"Wahl.. Wahl ya see.. seems ya'll're allergic tah magic markah un ah wanted ya to be comfy" comes the hesitant response with an cheerful upbeat tone despite the violent shaking causing the voice to pitch wildly.

Pizzar then switches his grip on the tiny Goblin, looking to grab his collar, only to lose his grip at the sliminess of the muck and slime that Alyxyn has used to darken himself.

With a loud Plop, Alyxyn hits the ground running and dodges the wild swinging of his demonic pursuer. As he makes his escape into the night, his little voice calls out "Fine, ah sees the gratitude I git fer heppin ya out. phhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhht"

With the departure of the shrill mouth of the goblin, you are left to read the words that he has left behind him as they are affixed to the wall.

"Sorry for the lateness of the posting but keeping away from my Mount has meant that it was harder than normal to write this down. This past week has been a nice trip but ah has to say ahl be glad to only need to be mah sneakah seff agin.

"Fer da guild, we kuntinue ta haf issues wit checkin but those're beginnin tah be addressed bah de bossman (all hail He that Punishes!). As a result, we dun walloped da latest dunjun and haf bin taking da toll uf da numbah three. Ah votes we sneak ovah un put summah Dolgan's speshul broo in da Disciples o Beer's kegs at least a few houahs before we hit dem. Dat'll make dem a nice toastah targit dat won't much care iffen we beats dem.. dey'll be hafin too much fun tah care.

"At de end o de week, we dun wished da Oatmeal a farewell as Gruel has decided dat gardening (dat iz plantin bodies ahm sure) haz tah take precedence fer now. Happilah we alreadah gots a replacement on tap in de formah TDI. Now DAT is dedicashun fer ya, tah take on de initials o yer purpose as de Turducken Defense Initiative. Ya jezt gotta 'spect dat.

"In the guild's normal comings and goins, we nohmally kin do a nastah numbah on Disciples but we are only sumtahms standin up tah da forces o de Endless. Frequently itsa mattah o checkin... so be checkin in un git yer friends to az well so we kin keep de Endless down.

"As to ahr own growth, well, we be doing in. Dis week's numbahs're'ah bit skewed as we gets some changes in ahr ranks. Howevah Melange un Valind take de rumcake fer both sockin away 3 new lebels under dere belts. Dere's a buncha us dat managed 2 and only a few dat didn't manage tah grow much at all. Remembah.. iffen ya'll werk hard.. ye kin all grow up tah be lahk Quilp. Dats de way we rollz ahlraht.

"In da arenas, lotsa pipples're taking dere tahm un takin dere measure of de opposition. WoopyDoo managed to break inta de top 20 first da first tahm with GBrain un I continuin ta werk ahr way through the 40s. Parrish is closin in on da top 100. Futhah down the ranks, people ah focusin un kicking along. Mhorg raised 13, Valind 27 and Bloodshadow 41 but the top improvement for da week has to have been CrusaderBin who raised 61 ranks to hit his best of 438. Lets all here it for dese Scum! Dey put da dank in Scumminess fer us all!"

Week Ending Jan 29, 2012

The dark shadows of the guildhall hide the movement of the massive form of Pizzar as he arrives and throws open the door of the hall. By this time, the heavy plodding footfalls of the demonic warpony known as Pizzar have become almost commonplace within the Guildhall. Seldom is heard the shrill pitch calls of the Green Menace since Pizzar seems to have adjusted to the deft guidance of Alyxyn's talons upon his ears.

Moving into the hall quickly, with only slight stumbling, Alyxyn brings his mount to stand before the throne of the All-Punishing Ghettoforce. With a smile and a cackle, Alyxyn's fingers move in a complicated weave on the folds of his demon mount, guiding the Scum into a bow that is deep and reverential. Scrambling about in his saddle, Alyxyn brings to mind a rat trying to ride a hungry Glompf until Pizzar again stands straight and proud before the GuildMaster.

Guiding the large demon over to the wall by the throne, Alyxyn hands the warrior a small sheet of paper which Pizzar then pounds into the wall with a bared fist. Delivery made, Alyxyn tugs upon Pizzar's ears to circle his mount around back towards the door, only to trip him over an errant barstool that Nargipoofufu has left scattered upon the floor before he left to visit Ciciz. The guildhall rocks and trembles as Pizzar crushes the stool in his fall to the floor and Alyxyn is launched through the air, cartwheeling several times before coming to rest in a weapon stand by the door.

As he writhes from side to side and to and fro, you can make your way to the announcement. As he noisily crashes to the floor and works on prying the weapon stand from his head, you read:

"Welcome to anudder edishun oh dat grate piece o' jurnalistick integritty, da latist werk o fakts und opinion dat effer graced da walls o diz establishmint, da Bilgewater Bulletin!

"Tah staht diz edishun, I feel ah gotsta do so wit sum verrah sad news, we'z no longah numbah one.. we'z a solid numbah 2 in all ways dat mattah tah scum da werld round. Lezz hear it proclaimed loudlah "We'z Numbah two! We'z Numbah 2!.. oh.. erm.. wait.... yeah... oops.

"In the 'more bad newz' cattygory, we sadly bid adieu to a Scum. Koshka (lebel 208) snuck out in da earlah mornin hours tah tend needs in uthah realms. We duz wish him well un hope dat he scorez wot he wantzes.

"In da good newz departmint, tings been kinda poorly latlah az Dunjun 34 continewz tah cheat uz outtah house un home, one time gittin az bad az 42Million away frum effen His Roundness. Howevah ahr newbah Scum, srike, iz werkin hard tah fit in round da guildhall, tho he culd use more brew until he iz az talkitife as da GBoss.

"In the guild's ever continuing drive to increase ahr roundness (un not jezt His Roundness), we'z continewing tah grow strongah but diz week haz been a bit slack. Venkman and Scrubby lead the push with 3 lebels apiece. Howevah, thar wuz ten Scum dat dint effen manage a single lebel in de week, sum ahr known tah be trahin, but uddahs seem tah jezt be floating on de watah like.. well... like Scum. Lez git out dere un kick sum rears!

"Ahm jezt leavin alone da stampbook fer de most paht howevah ah wantz tah gif out some shout outs fer a couple continewin tah werk on it. Chief amung deze iz Scrubby with 1.71 growth in dere book! Next iz Ciciz who tuk a vakashun frum da bah apparentlah un smacked sum heads to git .67 bettah.. un peaked ovah 85%. Also peaking ovah 85% is Magnumpower wit a .36 improvemint. Another notable wood be Kossar wit .47 growth. Finallah, two further notables would be Keldonking (.35%) un Crusaderbin (.64%!) who might be able to join de 95% club if dey keep up this type of work.. for a few duzin weeks.

"Finallah, ah wonts ta leaves ya wit a cupla tings. Iffen ya knows summun dat wants ta be Scum un ya think kin hack ahr terriblah rigid roolz, let da GBrain knows. He's makin a lizt un checkin it twahce... ah knows.. cuz ahm at de bottom uf it. Az yeh mightah seen, dere's alreadah an invaht out tah fill de hole in ahr ranks. Keep 'm comin un keep Scum strong!

"Now.. tah quote a great and faboolas rooler.. 'ROLL FOR IT!'"

Week ending Jan 22, 2012

Week ending January 15, 2012

As you sit in the guildhall, throwing back yet another in a seemingly endless series of steins of swill, a loud thumping is heard in the distance. Reaching for your weapons and armor, you start to rise as the noise grows closer and louder. The rhythmic stomping continues to build, louder, ever louder until the glasses on your table start to shake and tremble leading to whispers of suspicions of invading draconian forces or maybe hordes of Bunnies arising from below. Adopting ready stances, everyone turns to the entranceway hastily preparing to throw back dragons, or bunnies or attacking hordes of another guild or Bunnies revisited.. When suddenly the tromping dies off sharply.

As rattling of the glasses dies, a small whiney voice can be heard in the distance raising your curiousity immediately before a loud crack is heard, the guildhall door flies open, slams into the wall and crashes back shut. A loud cursing is audible before the door opens again, this time slower, coming to rest to reveal a massive bulk of demonic hide looming in the portal as it shrugs off arrows, bolts, magical blasts sent from across the room. Quilp is just about to roll over the looming demon before realizing that it is Pizzar in all his warriorly splendor. With his Roundness moving to the side to make way for Pizzar, the other warriors bounce off of his round back to come to a halt.

His path clearing, Pizzar takes some tentative steps into the hall, stumbling, shambling oddly. The sconces of the hall glisten off of his form showing a bewildering array of leather straps and harnesses affixed to the demon's chest and shoulders. His shambling steps continue forward towards Guildmaster GBrain's throne as you start to make sense of the apparition before you. It seems that Pizzar has strapped a saddle for a small pony onto his back upon which rides the squirming form of the Green Menace Alyxyn!. With the gentle application of ear pulling, Alyxyn drives Pizzar forward "on Pepperoni! on Sausage! on BBQ'd Chicken! We're late! We're late!"

Finally getting Pizzar maneuvered around, Alyxyn leans over and tacks the latest bulletin beside the throne before applying small spurs to Pizzar and dragging him around to the left with a new ear pull. "Back to the Front! Come on Pizzar Supreme, back to the fight!" Receiving a small kick on the back shoulderblade, Pizzar starts moving faster, loping forward back to the entrance and from there to the Tavern to continue his struggles.

In the deafening silence they leave behind, you are able to read the following article:

"Ho! welcum tah anudder weekah shtuff shpewed frum da Menace. Howevah, dis week's been kindah quiet overall. We dun dropped inta de dungeon un meashered ahseffs aginst dem un came up a bit shy da fust time. Den ah lil newbie srike joined in.. un we still dun came up a bit shy dang it.

"In ahr struggles with de Endless Hordes, we've been stoppin dere salliez un dropping de corpses inta da bay. In one fight new arrival srike actually took out 6 of de Endless hisseff. Good ting to cuz dere's been lotsa pipples missin dere turn at da walls. Ah dun hear sum mutterins witin da guild walls dat summah dem wot aint taking dere turns at de walls.. may end up kicked ovah dem soon, so be careful all!

"Howevah, da guild duz continue tah grow.. last week Zot bullied hiz way through 6 lebels, followed by Valind wit 4 un new arrival Srike effen managed 3. Ovah all we dun growed 67 lebels which aint nuttin tah sneeze at! Lessin we fergits.. congrats Roundness on bein da ferst effah 300 lebel Scum! Go Team Round! Roll On!

"We'z finally, finally, finally hit 50% on da 95% list fer stampbooks even though sum sluggards are laggin, but mostah da pipple dat ain't in da list, don't rillah care fer it much it seems so.. pshaw.. even about dat.

"In de matter o de Hall o Fame, for de most paht, de top ranks are either Scum or Endless with a few exceptions, but those exceptions are likely to be losing ground as effahbuddy squoshes dem lahk ovah ripened grapes. Further down da ranks, Scum'r werkin dere way up slowly with 3 now in the 40s (and rising). Ovah all, top changers were Valind at 51 ranks ta hit 566, Ahkdar wit 50 ta hit 403 un Zigglylabeau wit 49 ta hit 278.

"All dis said, erm, written?.. been a fun weak though its mostlah been quiet. Some pippleseses been wunnerin how the exp is calced for fightin when we be numbah one.. wahl we be numbah one. Apparently.. it be relative.. the more awesome we be in relation tah numbah 2, de less exp we gets fer displayin ahr awesomeness.

"Ovah ahl.. less keep ahr shields, chins and click in high. Onward intah de yeah! Onward scum! Hi Ho Pizzar AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

In the dark of the guildhall, a movement is seen. The shadows weave and dance a little as a hatch is opened and candlelight from below spills out. A small form surfaces from below before the light is again snuffed by the closing of the hatch into the floor, sticky with spilled swill. In the sudden darkness the form moves furtively from column to column, making his way to the throne of his Immenseness, the AllSeeing, AllAbusive GBrain.

Slipping a wooden leg bearing a steel toed boot upon it, the tiny green abomination uses the tool to hammer loudly at the bulletin board, driving one nail, then another into its surface, pinning up the latest missive on the doings of life, the universe and everything Scummy.

His task done, he looks around carefully before collapsing into a paroxysm cough which steals his breath and leaves him sprawled upon the floor at the foot of the throne. As the coughing relents, he scrabbles on all fours back to his hatch to shimmy back away into his hole.

When the lights come back up, you find nailed to the bulletin board a crumpled up piece of holiday wrapping featuring the image of the Grinch, looking entirely too satisfied, the back of which contains the following writing in scratched out letters using what appears to be sticky cranberry sauce mixed with the blood of little Whos.

"Well well efferbuddy, looks lahk de holidah season haz now passed us by, much to the delight of turkeys efferwhar. Dat bein de case, pipple ahr slowly surfacin frum dere holiday comas, whedder induced bah turkey or by dwarven mead. Dis is good az we'z turnin agin tah da business uf bein scum.

"In one burst, Endless showed jezt how powahful dey be as dey put on a burst of high checkin attacks tah kick ahr ass outta numbah one. Howevah dat 'pears tah haf exhausted dem a bit as den dey started slippin. Whethah dey ahr slackin off because dey got wore out or cuzza sum secretive plan, we don't knows. One ting dat we do know iz dat we Scum need to be on high alert and tend ahr checkins well.

"Duncan, oneah de cooks, dun went un retired frum Scumminess so dere is a hole in ahr ranks. We dun found anudder tah fill in dat hole but dey dun left fast for undisclosed reasons. Ah knows dat da GBrain has been seen hangin 'bouts in da dives o de docks with a sap in hand, but so fahr he aint managed tah shanghi enny one tah join us. Wit diz beun da case, we are down a lebel 200+ member so ya kin see how dat'd hurt both ahr offense un de-fence, so pay 'tention! Be Diligent! Be Scummy!

"We dun went 'tacked da new dunjon un come up almost 40.5 million hp short. Summa dat was checkin, sum wuz no Cook und sum wuz jezt bad luck on sum dodging but we dun fell short. Lets git in dere dis week! Get perfect potioned! Get perfect Checkin! get Win fer de SCUM!

"In de effer present battle tah grow rounder, we'z doin... alraht. wit 49 scum, we dun grew 60 lebels. Da leader o de week wuz Redwood18 wit 5 lebels earned. Da next best advancin were ahr Japanophilic Kamisama un dat tiny green malignancy Alyxyn each wit 3 lebels earned. In the quest fer averageness, farkentje lost dis week, falling below average lebel, dat ain't nuttin big un nuttin dat GBrain will come aftah, but still figgered ah'd state it in mah noteseses. BTW.. GO QUILP! Get 300! Go Team Round!

"In the arena, the top rankings are always a milling throng that is entertaining to watch through the days but its de lower down onez dat are just az important. Gbrain apparently has come out of da starting gate with a touch of rabies un haz advanced 7 ranks tah numbah 46! Both Aaylia un Parrish are continuing to raise to new lebels at 99 and 117 respectibely while Zot cashed in fights to raise 19 lebels to 268! Keep it up efferun! kick tail, grow and carry forth the plague that is de Scum!"

... week ending January 8, 2012

Week ending Dec 31, 2011

With the Green Menace only slowly improving as he is working and caring for himself and his sick wife, the corporate drone returns with the next of the Bilgewater Bulletins. He carefully tacks up the pristine piece of paper filled with carefully engineered black letters inscribed in a careful hand. After leaving the necessary notice behind, he turns and departs with a wave:

"Diz week we dun took anudder dungeon because the luck of the Season reached down un blessed us despite a less den perfect checkin! However, we also started losing to the Enders.. erm.. Endless. Ah knows itz de holiday season un all but please.. check in check in check in. Ah aktually mizzed oneah da checkins mahseff *turns a deep red from the tip of his ears down to the tip of his toes* However, iffen we's gunna keep in da runnning fer Numbah 1, wez gotta keep in our checkins.

"All prezent un mourn de passing of the Master Chef Duncan *hoists a dwarfen ale so thick you have to cut it with an axe*

"gained an average of 1 and 2/3 lebels which means that overall, until we can shanghai someone to replace da chef, we haz lost 149 lebels oberall. We'z got sum pipples dat'r trahin hard tah zoom up da lebels, like Kamisama, Wordplay un Venkman each wit four lebels gained. Close behind dem wuz Parrish un MaxPower wit 3 each. Honorable mention haz ta go tah FlyingJoe un His Roundness both dat gained 2 lebels at de high endah da chart tah reach 289 un 298!

"In dah arena, as usual, de top ranking keep shufflin round, but we keep sneaking sum scum up higher. 13 scum improved dere rankins diz week, some, like Turducken and Ciciz (who both have broken the 200 rank mark) raised dramatically (22 and 10 ranks respectively!). Others with similar gains were Morhdd, Venkman and Mhorg. Keep your spirits and weapons up and keep cheering on our top rankers as they struggle to keep our flag at the top of the rankings!

"All Hail de Scum un unto de Scum a Grate Gnu Year!"

In the quiet of the nearly deserted guildhall, a sudden slam is heard, echoing loudly in the half light. The hatch to the bilge squishes slightly onto the floor as a grungy, mashed red velvet hat pops up followed by flopping green ears and finally Alyxyn's weary, foggy eyes.

Emerging quick and smoothly from there, Alyxyn springs up onto the floor with a huge bag of illicitly gathered holiday bootses. With a bellow of "Merry Grinchmas" followed by a muttered "or other appropreeate greetins", he makes his way to da Gboss' throne to add his latest report to da wall.

On this wrapping paper written report, sparkly glittery ink lights up the room a bit as you read:

"We finully dun got a liddle bittah luck un killed dunjon 33 despite less den a perfect checkin. Dis certainly shows dat it iz possible tah win wit less den everbuddy werking on it but wit each raid it getz harder un harder. Ciciz has apparently been spending a very busy holiday season, increasing her skills by 4 lebels. It goes to show just how driven she is, when Nargipoofufusquishybrainssquarebottom only managed a single lebel. Ah gezzes dat Ciciz dun wore Nargipoo out un had to ... work de edges offa de holidays :) Kami had been commenting how he wuz missin his sweetie un it shows since he dun improved 3 lebels himself."

"Good job one and all however as several peoples have also hit landmarks, but I will leave most of that for others to elaborate on. Howevah, ah recommend dat ya start kippin an eye on His Royal Roundness, da Rollickin Quilp. He is closing in on bein da first 300 lebel Scum, so lets all cheer him on.. and drive him forward even if it is by torch and pitchfork. Goooooo Team Round! Finally, congrats to Gruel on being the last to climb past 175! Let all keep pushing until the lowest rank is 200!

"Arena results continue to be interesting with lots of scum up high. Overall the high ranks are littered with Scum, Endless un some standalones with the ranking ever shifting. Redwood18 and Woopydoo continue to climb but do so slowly at their elevations, making it to 46 and 24 respectfully. Lots of other scum are advancing as well however, like Melange's 19 rank climb to 320 and Valind's 61 ranking climb to 673.

"With our stampbooks, we are still at less than half of our scumminesses being in the 95% club however there are a couple of scum edging up to break that 50% population. Dolgan at 92.71, AAylia at 91.59, Duckytape Queen at 92.82, Bakryu at 91.35, and Rizzo at 90.94. Just a little more concerted effort and it is within your grasp.

"Other than that, We'z looking forward to a bit more nog, ahr ferst effort intah de Dunjon 34 as we keep hitt'n da Raids for a bit longer. "

Having delivered his news, Alyxyn returns to the murky depths of the bilge with his bootses lootses and to care for himself and his.

"Merry Grinchmas to all ... and to all a Good Booting!"

A tall gentlemen strides into the guildhall, ignoring the various traps, poisoned deadfalls, broken beer steins and passed out guildies. He mostly just ignores the waste, saving his notice for the few individuals still able to blearily focus their eyes to note his form.

Coming up to the throne of the GuildMaster, he salutes GBoss in a way ever so reminescent of a much shorter person before holding out the latest news bulletin, this time put together in carefully phrased Human English on proper report paper in an Engineer's careful penmanship.

"I am sorry GuildMaster but I fear that at current time your little green reporter is somewhat more incoherent than you are accustomed to. Between caring for his wife, who is now out of the hospital but needing close attendance and his own attempts not to spread his own illness, I am keeping him somewhat quarantined at the current time."

"To ensure that you still do receive your news however, I took the opportunity to present some of the information that normally gets collelated for your consumption. It doesn't quite have his flair, but I hope it will meet your needs."

With that, the gentleman hands the paperwork to GhettoForce, takes three steps back, salutes, performs an about face, and marches from the hall.

On the paperwork is the following information:

"This week the Scum regained and firmly held onto Number 1 ranking despite efforts from the Endless."

"This week, the guild increased in levels by 66 as led by the terrific trio of Ziglabeu, Bakryu and Valind, each with 4 levels. Close on their tails was Morhdd with 3 level raises.

"According to the tips sheets from the arena and the formal Rankings:
Redwood18 climbed 6 ranks to hold onto 47.
MaxPower climbed 19 rankings to settle on 217.
Bakryu climbed an exceptional 31 to 231
Akhdar appears to have mounted a nice round mount to raise 41 rankings to 423.

"In an effort that the gladiatorial authorities wished especially noted, Melange has beaten her HIS best ranking ever after a reported 9 month effort. By raising 19 ranks, Mel now stands at 339."

And that is the way it happened, this last week ending Dec 18, 2011.

Week Ending Dec 11, 2011

A bedraggled gobbo drags himself outta his warm snuggly bed which has been littered with tissues to pound out yet another edition of the Bilgewater Bulletin.

"Sorrah y'll diz iz gunna be a short one. Da Green Menace aint so menacin tahday since he'z come down wit sumtin himsef un iz mostlah confined tah hiz nezt til hez bettah.

"Diz week we reclaimed da numbah one un seem tah be holding it. Diz is helped greatly bah ahr high click in rate un Endless missing several in deyr own click in. Eetz a lessin in how important click in iz in diz game o' bein numbah 1. Numbah 2 may not be bad, but it still smellz. Take it frum someone in da bilge.

"Anudder component of stayin on top iz improvin ahr game. Sadly in diz area, we sorta suffahed dis week, maybah too busee shoppin fer ahr loved ones fer da holidaze. On average we barely managed to exceed one lebel o' growth. Top perfermer here diz week wuz Akhdar and Melange with 3 lebels gained. Ah aint muchah a coach 'bouts it but keep lookin fer da max exp per minute o' quest tahm un rack up dem lebels. Endless is out dere un dey gots lotsa high ranks fer us to swat. Deze lebels also be important fer da raids to ensure we kin kip dishin out on dem mangy mobs.

"In da Arena rankings dere are allays lots movement. Dis week, fer instance, Pizzar improved tah rank 56, a 4 ranking improvement. Further down in the ranks larger improvements continue, such as AAylia raising 12 ranks to 102, Kossar raising 33 ranks to 357, Akhdar improving by 42 to reach 464 and Gruel breaking 500 by raising 27 to hit 493.

"Seems like most everyone haz put dere stampbooks away for a while with an average change only being .08. However there are a couple of scum still working on gittin better. Kossar got a full percent better un Farkentje gots .82 better. Others were doing some werk on dere's but it be slowing down prolly mostlah cuz so many uf us is well inta da 95% club.

"Okay y'all.. dat's it fer nows un ah off agin. Iffen ya gots extra boxes o' clean tishoo, please drop dem off in da bilge. Iffen ya onlah gots used tishoo.. keep it, ah gots plentah.

... Week ending Dember 11, 2011

This week the world's most loquacious goblin stumbles up from the bilge looking exhausted and bedraggled. (at least you hope he is the world's most loquacious goblin, after all, can you imagine one that would talk EVEN MORE? perish the thought!) Overall, he has been being quiet surprisingly so you know his tiredness can't come from anything in Game, so obviously he is being tormented from Beyond, in the *gasp* World.

Shambling over to the wall of the bar, he lifts his head, ears drooping, and tears down the nastiness that was his post from last week, proceeding to replace it with a piece of white parchment, pristine except for carefully block lettered words with this week's news.

Having performed his duty to the Gbrain, the Green Hued Hunger salutes the GuildMaster's chair exhaustedly before slinking back to the bilge, almost falling through into the dank darkness beyond.

"Diz week we dun slogged through dunjon 32 eventually, hammerin away through sheer determination to put it behind us un hampered onlah bah missing membahs. Now we lay on the verge of 33 but we needs tah keep hammering away, growing un clickin tah ensure we'z up tah da challenge.

"The guild continues to banter the rankings of guilds back and forth with da Endless but it isn't looking good for long term holding the numbah one rankin. At one point, with perfect checkin, luck still swung aginst us un we gots squished. Howevah we kin certinlah turn dat around with effort and continuing to click in un hammah away.

"On the matter of hammerin away, we grew by 72 lebels last week ovah all, led by the MasterDoDo with seven levels(!) who wuz followed by da Kossar, Koshka un MaxPower each wit 3.

"The gladiatorial ranks continue with der usual bloody shuffles but as tahm rolls forwards we continues ta sneak more scum inta da higher ranks. Jezt dis week, Pizza rolled up 5 ranks ta 33, GBrain rose 3 tah 53, Redwood sprouted 4 ranks to 54 and gloryinchaos stomped up 10 ranks ta 60. A little lower down Nargipoofufusquishybrainssquarebottom rolled up five places tah 73. Keeping an eye to the triple digit ranks there continues to be leapfroggers such as Bakryu climbing 30 ranks, Kossar with 20 un Ziglabeu coming in with 15 ranks."

bilgewater bulletin

This is jezt tah let ya knows dat de bulletin be a bit late tahday.  Da Green Menace took his RL wahf who was bein greener den him tah da apothecary late lazt naught un he izn't yet awakes.  Alyxyn effen hadda call hiz werkboss un tell'er dat hez gunna be late tahday.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Week ending Nov 27, 2011

Ghettoforce comes into the main area of the hall dragging a section of what looks to be the Sunday paper's cartoon section and muttering about 'damnedable cursed mangy vomit colored plague.'  Tacking the paper up on the wall of the hall, he turns away disgustedly to return to his thoroughly ducttape wrapped throne to take a seat, slumping hard as if to recover from an exhausting task.

Gathering closely to see what has occurred to Ghettoforce, you notice that the paper is covered in the usually expected scrawling handwriting.  This week, however, it looks like the ink of choice may have been.. some brown gravy interspersed with a deep reddish jelly that has been let sit on the paper long enough to last.  It is obvious that no quill was used for the writing and you suspect, knowing the Green Menace's preferences, he likely scribbled using a thigh bone.. but the question at hand would be 'of what species?'  That question only lingers for a moment on your mind however, as you eagerly begin to work to decipher the news of the week.

In gelatinous scrawls you make out the following:

"Dis week was mauled bah dat human holidah in da YouKnighted States called Thankyougiving.  Wahl ah personallah don't unnerstand it verrah well, how kin a gobbo turn awah frum a celebrashun of grand consumption lahk dat?  Gobbo legends abound about tribes in da Great Gobi Forest dat usedta mimic dere minor fez-ivals.  Fer sum risson dere partyin stopped a few years ago tho much to da remorse o da Gobbo Nation.

"Da rankins uf da guilds iz a close contest at dis point.  We quicklah rose back tah da top lahk da creamy scums we be, howevah, "da pot dun be churnin" as mah mamma wud say before whoppin da ork on da head tah git him back in da pot.  So keeps yer click-in up un pay 'tention dat we keep da feast in da fryin pan, not in da fahr.  Az ah writes diz, we'z numbah 2.. which kin be a bit smellah.  We may be scum but we'z all knows we kin rahz tah da top lahk a good floater.  T Day fez-tival apparentlah kept manah guildees frum defendin ahr hall un frum ahr attacks. Wit da fez-ival ovah un da food comas waning, lez 'git r done' un End dem.

"In uthah news, da guild grew a total of 72 lebels dis week.  Average level is 225, aaaaaaaalmost 226. average gain of 1.44 levels.  CrusaderBin spent a lot of time on the road, hitting it for four lebels. Following in his footsteps, but not eating his dust, were Rido, Ciciz and her Royal Zness all at three lebels.  Completely lost in the wilderness were FlyingJoe, jmardo, masterdodo, Scrubby and gloryinchaos (who apparently was lost in the arena beating on a certain little green menace).  Happily, search parties were successful to return all of the wayward into Duncan's 'tender mercies'.

"In da arena, da top ranks be hotlah contested between da Endless bigwigs un ahr own devoted battlers.  Looking at the rankings un den looking agin will frequentlah show changes which is great tah see.  Get out un cheer fer ahr own pipples dat ahr kickin Ends und takin names!  In da ranks uf da rest ah us, Gruel managed to beat'r way up 55 ranks un Duncan managed tah drug his opponents successfully enuf ta gain 50 ranks, howevah, ah think the winner goez tah Zboss who managed to improve her ranking by 30 ranks to 53!  Getting that many ranks when that high up is sointinlah a testahmint tah wah she'z oneah da bosses.  Heck she passed bah GBrain as if he was standing still.. un he had managed 3 ranks to 56, un he'z 13 lebels bigger dan her.  She'z a wearing Endkickin boots ahlraht.

"Magnumpower un Ozwalt un Zimmi haf been workin dere stampbooks dis week.  Mags got almost 6 percent of his book in whahl Ozwalt turned in almost 2 percent.  Zboss did over 1 percent uf hers az whahl.

"Un now.. ah gots tah git back tah mah uthah werk, helpin da ignant lern wots dey needs."

Shifting back the hatch below decks, Alyxyn's small frame emerges still dripping from the bilge. Quickly he dives behind the bar to towel off and dress in his usual garb. Throwing the bar towel back into the stacks for Duncan, Alyxyn climbs up onto the bar using hand over hand up one of the drains. Finally stumbling onto the scratched up polished wood, Alyxyn gathers himself up to his entire two foot height before slamming a fez of water down onto a small table he has hidden there. It takes a couple poundings before he can get the barscum quiet enough for his squeakiness to be heard, during which he has to pull out a replacement fez, his original having now been flattened.

Coughing loudly, he horks out a bunch of dried grass and bilge remains before speaking up clearly.

"Attention one and all, todah's bulletin iz one ahma jezt gunna bellow sinz summuhn dun made off wit mah papahs. Ya know whoz ya ahr un ya be sad little scum fer makin off wit a little gobbos hard won shtuff.

Ignoring the mass of screams of "it weren't me ya little gob!" and "ah shut da heck up" and "git back in yer hole dang yer hide", Alyxyn continues.

"Now.. ah wanna say dat's itz nahc tah be back. Lazt week was a bit of a vacashu in visitin mah old Pwnie buds but its allays best tah come home again. Wahl me un de uthah Scum were imitatin equines un avoiding getting bbq-d, we dun kicked a lot of dungeons but it brought home tah me sum of the joys of being scum. It seemed dat de onlah pipple dat wud talk .. were Scum. Scum were very good at checking in fer da dunjons un for defense 'ginst da maraudin other guilds. It showed just how important it be tah .. be friendlah un talkitive un join in. Scum is numbah one in dat!

Alyxyn dodges to the side to avoid several dirty steins heaved at his little noggin and waits for the uproar to die before continuing.

"Wahl we all wuz gone, we rathah 'spected dat we'd loze da top rankin, speshully looking at da sheer powah uf doze dat vacashuned. As we dun already seen, jezt a few dayz back un a few battles unner ahr belts un we'z alreadah second again." With each successive word, he pumps his fez into the air to punctuate his words. "Keep it up! Pour it on! Sign on! Click in!"

Drinking deeply of the water in his fez, he lets his words echo around the now quiet guild hall before speaking again.

"Yup. Click in continues to be important .. and somewhat lackin. Iz thar rillah a risson to be logged in.. un NOT click in? If so, ah'd lahk tah know it. Course ah thinks dat GBrain wud lahk ta hear it too. Iffen ya izn't on, den don't be logged on. Den othahs keepin an eye on things know dat ya aint on und kin compensate fer yer missing... hopefully."

"All dat sed, letz me leaf da editorial page un git tah all da news dats fit fer me tah bellow atcha"

"Diz week haz been kinda slow in da practicin area. It seems wahl pipples were away riding Lil Pwnies, only 68 lebels were gained by da guildies ovah all. There were a few driven pipples, lahk da little Green Menace raised five lebels. Both WordPlay n Mhorg ahr raht up dere wit 4 apiece demselves. Howevah ovah all, da 'tenshun tah lebellin seems ta be dwindlin un hafn't seen it dis bad since da weekah Oct 15 with 56 lebels. Ah knows it haddah be rathah disquietin no bein in da presence o efferone's faborite lime green loquaciousness, but dis is .. sad. *sniffs and wipes a tiny tear from his eye*

"The announcers fer da arena continue tah be hectic fer da top twennie slots but we gots lotsa Scumminess in dere. His Roundness continues ta be a bit uf a piledriver, being pulled away from numbah one, onlah tah once agin slam back. Bain, Iola, R34lg33k are up dere with Dolgan and Ninastar in da wings. Magnumpower un Woopydoo continue to chase intah da top 20. Below them, other Scum continue their movements. Gloryinchaos thumped on da liller green menace ta gain 12 ranks to 73, bakryu un Ziggylabeu raised 32 ranks un 81 ranks respectively tah land at 291 un 333.

"Finallah, uthah den ahr two terribly stamp aversion scum, de uthah scum keeps gettin bettah. Almost halfah us scum ahr now in da 95% club! 15 uthahs are in da 75% club! Keep hammerun away at da noobs and babes in da arena ta gitcher items! Goooooooo team Scum!

While he waits for the echoing cheers to die back, he sips at his fez. Clearing his throat again, he snaps a salute to the Gbrain, then makes a running dive off of the bar through the open hatch into the bilge, closing the hatch after him with a loud echoing BANG!

... week ending Nov 21, 2011