Scumbase

The green menace staggers into the guildhall battered and bruised. Pieces of duct tape hang from one ear and networking cabling can be seen woven into his sparse hair. He leaves a small blood trail as he drags himself across to the bar which he laboriously works to climb until Iola gives him a boost.

Revliss ducttapes his feet onto the bar to keep him from falling off as he bellows forth in his squeaky voice.

"Wahl ya'll its been a helluva day. Effen befur ah read 'bouts de adventures of Bain, things hadn't been going well. Mah werks been running roughshod on mah un ah thinks dat Nargipoo 'fixed' the networkin so dat it was coming on and off lahk a hyperactive 2 year old on a sugar rush.

"However, reasons aside, here's da news, da whole news, un nuttin but da news.. so help mah ZBoss.

"Dis week we dun held firmlah ta da numbah one ranking guild in da werld!"

The small goblin then takes a deep gulp from an overflowing fez as he waits for the cheering to die down.

"Initially dis rankin was secured by high clickin .. un da GBoss wuz proud!.. Un den da Undead Bunnies apparently started returnin tah dere graves un seeking dere cranial salads elsewhere as dere numbers began droppin which iz makin it easier fer us. But we NEEDS tah keep ahr clickin high az uther guilds are risin un we needs tah keep vigilants!"

"In da same vein, we still behind da Endless pains un da Undead Vermin who are targetting dunjon 30. Wit da changes in potions un effertin else, ahm firm in mah convictions dat with a 100% click in, we kin take out de dunjon 29 un prolly 30 too. So lets keep in mahnd our 'tendance un kick dese guys tah take da lead in effertin!"

Quaffing more from the fez, he looks out amongst the gathered Scum glaring at him over their dingy and slightly slimy mugs before continuing.

"Dis last week we dun grew buh 85 lebels which has only been exceeded recently by last week's 86. Dis week though we got new leaders for the charge, Delectable Barmaid Ciciz (with 4) un her pet orc Nargipoo with five lebels. Also stoking the charge with four lebels apiece were Rido un Venkman who set aside his proton 'celerator to do some serious hacking. All dis hard werk meant dat dere is a new holder fer Average Scum title.. Farkentje! Lezz all gif him a round o' applause un toasts!"

Alyxyn then dodges, as best he can with ducttaped feet, a volley of warmed bread bef0re continuing.

"De arena continues ta stink with de delightful aroma o Scum reigning supreme with sometimes 5 of de top 10 contendahs being Scummies. While ya are busy qwestin, don't fergit tah check da top ranks o de arena un give shout outs to Joe un Quilp un Bain un Iola un Dolgan un G33k un ninastar az dey bury ahr banner in da chests o' ahr foes!

"While cheerin fer dem, keep in mind allah dem lower scum dat'r rising tah da surface fast. Scum lahk Rido dat got tah 300 after improvin 78 ranks! Scum lahk Nargipoo dat improved 40 ranks ta hit 144! or Gloryinchaos that slogged up 4 ranks to 87!"

Alyxyn weaves a bit as he continues, the duct tape holding him securely on the bar.

"With our stamp collections, we continue to rise, now with 23 members in the 95% club. However we still have 2 sluggards down below 50%. It haz been gud tah hear the talk on da chat as to strabegies tah track down stamps though... All hail da stamp hunters!"

"One final note befur ah pass out: Bain thank our Scumminess dat you are doing better un we's all happah tah heah ya still abouts. Please every scum, wear yer seat belt un be careful.. dere isn't enough scum in de werld dat we kin affords to lose effen one."

With that said, the tiny green monster raises his fez high and bellows out a squeaky call "Scum for One and Scum for All" before chugging the remains of his brew.

Week ending October 30, 2011