The green menace staggers into the guildhall battered and bruised. Pieces of duct tape hang from one ear and networking cabling can be seen woven into his sparse hair. He leaves a small blood trail as he drags himself across to the bar which he laboriously works to climb until Iola gives him a boost.

Revliss ducttapes his feet onto the bar to keep him from falling off as he bellows forth in his squeaky voice.

"Wahl ya'll its been a helluva day. Effen befur ah read 'bouts de adventures of Bain, things hadn't been going well. Mah werks been running roughshod on mah un ah thinks dat Nargipoo 'fixed' the networkin so dat it was coming on and off lahk a hyperactive 2 year old on a sugar rush.

"However, reasons aside, here's da news, da whole news, un nuttin but da news.. so help mah ZBoss.

"Dis week we dun held firmlah ta da numbah one ranking guild in da werld!"

The small goblin then takes a deep gulp from an overflowing fez as he waits for the cheering to die down.

"Initially dis rankin was secured by high clickin .. un da GBoss wuz proud!.. Un den da Undead Bunnies apparently started returnin tah dere graves un seeking dere cranial salads elsewhere as dere numbers began droppin which iz makin it easier fer us. But we NEEDS tah keep ahr clickin high az uther guilds are risin un we needs tah keep vigilants!"

"In da same vein, we still behind da Endless pains un da Undead Vermin who are targetting dunjon 30. Wit da changes in potions un effertin else, ahm firm in mah convictions dat with a 100% click in, we kin take out de dunjon 29 un prolly 30 too. So lets keep in mahnd our 'tendance un kick dese guys tah take da lead in effertin!"

Quaffing more from the fez, he looks out amongst the gathered Scum glaring at him over their dingy and slightly slimy mugs before continuing.

"Dis last week we dun grew buh 85 lebels which has only been exceeded recently by last week's 86. Dis week though we got new leaders for the charge, Delectable Barmaid Ciciz (with 4) un her pet orc Nargipoo with five lebels. Also stoking the charge with four lebels apiece were Rido un Venkman who set aside his proton 'celerator to do some serious hacking. All dis hard werk meant dat dere is a new holder fer Average Scum title.. Farkentje! Lezz all gif him a round o' applause un toasts!"

Alyxyn then dodges, as best he can with ducttaped feet, a volley of warmed bread bef0re continuing.

"De arena continues ta stink with de delightful aroma o Scum reigning supreme with sometimes 5 of de top 10 contendahs being Scummies. While ya are busy qwestin, don't fergit tah check da top ranks o de arena un give shout outs to Joe un Quilp un Bain un Iola un Dolgan un G33k un ninastar az dey bury ahr banner in da chests o' ahr foes!

"While cheerin fer dem, keep in mind allah dem lower scum dat'r rising tah da surface fast. Scum lahk Rido dat got tah 300 after improvin 78 ranks! Scum lahk Nargipoo dat improved 40 ranks ta hit 144! or Gloryinchaos that slogged up 4 ranks to 87!"

Alyxyn weaves a bit as he continues, the duct tape holding him securely on the bar.

"With our stamp collections, we continue to rise, now with 23 members in the 95% club. However we still have 2 sluggards down below 50%. It haz been gud tah hear the talk on da chat as to strabegies tah track down stamps though... All hail da stamp hunters!"

"One final note befur ah pass out: Bain thank our Scumminess dat you are doing better un we's all happah tah heah ya still abouts. Please every scum, wear yer seat belt un be careful.. dere isn't enough scum in de werld dat we kin affords to lose effen one."

With that said, the tiny green monster raises his fez high and bellows out a squeaky call "Scum for One and Scum for All" before chugging the remains of his brew.

Week ending October 30, 2011

ScumFlash: Bain or "What not to do in a Helicopter"

Some of you asked me "what is up with Bain" over the past couple of weeks. Untill now I kinda ignored the question, because it was something I figured should be told in Bain's own words.

Well... here they are! Bain's Own Words:

Three crushed vertabrea in neck, broken nose, separated shoulder, broken collar bone, broken right wrist and forearm, 7 broken ribs, punctured lung, shatterd pelvis torn right knee ACL, sprain right ankle, concussed into 4 day coma, right ear almost torn off and sevral cuts scrapes and bruises.

I am recovering slowly, but I lost about 2 weeks of memories, when I first woke up, I didn't know I had a daughter and up until about 2 weeks ago I thought both my legs were broken, turns out its just the pelvis.

I've been told, a co-worker, a pilot and myself were scouting a new lease when a gust of wind blew the chopper into a stand of trees, the tail rotor sheared off and we spun into the side of the mountain, then rolled about 250 meters to the bottom of a ravine. The other two guys were sitting up front, buckled in. For some reason i was in back not wearing a seat belt. the other two walked away with minor back and neck injuries, probably suffered from my body flailing around the cab of the rolling chopper. All of this is hearsay, cause i dont remember. Ive had 3 surgeries, Pelvis, knee and fore arm. and will need more later.

I got 76 stiches, over 50 to sew my ear and half my scalp back on. Apperantly only the pilot got a helmet. Anyway Im still kicking, hope to be out of the wheelchair and walking before christmas.

Well there you have it. Even big scum is not immune from falling out of the sky in a big pile of metal. You know where to leave your wellwishes or where you can make your appointments for assasination attempts (although I wouldn't even try, he proved pretty much that he is immortal...).

Glad you are still with us Bain. And Scum! Remember, ALWAYS wear that seatbelt when you're falling from the sky!

It's been a strange world of Asia for me this week.  Kamisama's introduction to the delightful kookiness of Japan, the addition of r34lg33k to guild and he and Kami's decidedly ramen noodle flavor of gchat have highlighted a world that is ancient beyond our imagining.  In the past week, World of Warcraft announced its new expansion called Mists of Pandaria and it is based on Oriental culture, specifically the Chinese monks.

These thoughts were in my mind as I picked one of the sites that I have labelled under webcomics to share with you this week.  What I touched upon was a site that I followed avidly, but the writer had just stopped in the middle of her story and left it for months.  When I clicked a few minutes ago, I found that she has picked up her keyboard and settled in to continue quite seamlessly from the point she left.  This is going back on my reader.

This isn't a webcomic, although I've stuffed it under that category so I remember to check for updates.  It's a webstory of an Oriental woman, Lady Uru (Suki to her friends), who journals her life and hides the journal, lest she be caught doing something so unseemly.  In Book One:  Threads of Fate, she writes of her husband Sev, a minor lord who holds military rank, her twin children, the friends and society that surrounds their well-to-do life.  Book Two:  Hidden Weavings follows the family as their life path diverges from its carefully manicured destiny.

The author explains the premise:


The Empire grows by leaps and bounds. Here they conquer a populace composed entirely of women who engage in self-mutilation. There they swallow whole a country of fishermen. Why should the empire care, as long as they pay their taxes and serve their new masters faithfully? The autocracy is composed of servants and slaves, officials whose only power stems from their overseers.

Then there is the army. The army is vicious, destroying the infrastructure of a country and bringing it to its knees. The army is gentle, rescuing refugees from the annual flooding of the great river, saving lives (saving workers). Men and women join the army for money, for advancement, for glory, or because they are given no choice in the matter.

There are stories out there about the gallant heroes that fight the Empire and win. Most of those end with the hero’s valiant death. There are stories out there about the glorious little countries that take on Goliath and win. This story, though, is not quite so simple. This is the story of a woman and her family, trying to make a life that’s not a mockery from a social system based on whim and birth, where a word in the right ear can leave you begging in the street (if you’re lucky). Juries and judges have no say in this world. Yet somehow, against this backdrop of low-grade paranoia, people carve out stable lives. They do their best, they keep their heads down, they stay far away from politics and they do their jobs.

Of course, the big picture still exists, and it has a story to tell.

Because maybe, just maybe. Things are going to change.

The author notes:  The story contains sexual coercion, descriptions of adult or violent situations, slavery, relationships with strong power differentials, and prejudice enough to fill any bingo card you like, including but not limited to sexism, racism, classism, heterosexism and ageism. If I’ve missed any, I’m happy to update this list.
------------------

I've enjoyed the read and hope that you will too.  Click the site masthead above or the link in our webcomics section below.

Chef too drunk to write ...

Sorry scum, but the great chef had unforeseen circumstances come up. However, i will return next week with another thrilling adventure. Cya's then!



Field Trip

You know the old saying how many clowns can be packed into a VW bug? Well the Scum came up with their very own solution to this. An old van was donated to the Scum and Revliss took it upon herself to cover it with yes duct tape.

And yes the Scum took a field trip to the zoo; and they had a wonderful adventure. Meanwhile the van is still within the ranks of the scum for new and future events. Hmmm a concert perhaps? Or even the movies?????? The possibilities are endless.

Hey all !


Kamisama here for your weekly window on Japanese culture. This week, following last week's post about bean commercials, I decided to stay on the subject of TV and the stuff happening in it. But this time, I'll be talking about a show that some, if not most, of you know.

A few years back, a show called MXC was on air in the USA (and possibly Canada too, I don't know, I don't watch TV). The original show is a Japanese game show called Takeshi no Oshiro (Takeshi's Castle).

In the original, it was a contest between two teams. One of those two teams would win a decent amount of money for winning. I'm not sure how different it really is, as I never saw an original Takeshi's Castle.

Anyway, Americans bought the rights to the show and dubbed ridiculous scripts over the original. They also cut and recut the stuff to fit their needs and it's now basically people doing crazy challenges and usually failing. Those challenges include, but are not limited to :

- Crossing a river using rocks, some real, some fake.
- Jumping from giant rolling log to giant rolling log.
- Evading giant boulders while trying to climb up a very soft surface.
- With the help of your velcro suit, swing accross a "pool" and try to stick yourself on the target on the wall further ahead.
- Racing through walls containing paper or real doors.
- Going through an obstacle course that looks very similar to a Mario Bros level.
- Trying to stay in something that looks like a huge plate while sliding down a waterslide, and still stay in it when you hit the water at the bottom.
- Walking on a very narrow path 15m up in the air while being shot at by cannons armed with what looks like volleyballs.
- ... and many, many more.

Here are some parts here and there that can be found on Youtube :

There you have the two first episodes of the first season. I hope you enjoy as much as I enjoyed it. Sometimes I was laughing so hard, I had to pause the show on several occasions to catch my breath. I really hope some of you are still unaware of its existence and discover this jewel.

I am rediscovering it myself as we speak.

Have a good one, scum !
See ya next week !

Birthday Bashes & more

Birthday Bashes

Our own webguru Iola hits 275.  Awesome job. If you don't know her, she is a cute little elf with some paranoid issues and interesting gloves. She is also still looking for some empty promises. Normally I would invite you all to backstab, but as she is in the top 10 in hof I would suggest groveling and begging for mercy instead.

Dolgan Elfbane also hits the big one at 275. He is a scrappy little dwarf who is already in the Christmas spirit with his necklace. Again top 20 in hof so don't back stab, just bow (especially if you're an elf)

Everyone's favorite substitute meat, Tofurkey, hits 200. What can be said about our rock climbing babysitting friend (that I can print)? One interesting thing to note is that he appears to be trying to join Joe, woopy, and Pizza in the blind demon club having already lost one eye. Someone should probably explain the demon part to the little guy.

95% club

Proud to welcome our automatic qualifier R34lg33k to the ranks of the club. This makes it 20 of us getting an excellent bonus. Great job everyone.

Deep 6'rs (those under 60%)

Huge party time here!  We finally had someone crawl out of the dungeon of Ghetto's wrath and wipe off the scum to stand tall above 60%.  Everyone give Kossar a good knifing. Seriously, nice work.   Just 35% more to join the 95% club. 

We also have 2 others within 3% of climbing out. 

GET TO WORK

Scumflash: What's going on?

I thought it was a normal scummy morning until I noticed a giant mushroom catapult shining with an eerie glow in its infancy.... or something.

Giant Catapult! - So, it appears for 5 mushrooms the catapult will hit an enemy in a guild war at random for 50% of their health. How nice of them to figure out a way to eek out mushrooms in guild wars as well.

New Pots! - It looks like pots now add 10% - 15% - 25% bonuses instead of set amounts. This includes gear as well as base stats. Warning: If you have a new pot on, and put an old pot on after it will nuke the new pot. However, new pots stack since they are the same (at least of the same type... anyone know what happens if it is med w/ large or what not?). Just FYI. This makes the non-base stat pots even dumber in my opinion.

Forum button! -- Where'd it go? Top right corner.

Update: They finally posted what this is all about, I have copied the post here.

Boys and girls, you’ve waited patiently. Through normal development time and you’ve even seen Playa Games release BloodMoon, the company’s third game and quick patches behind it. Now, my friends, it’s your turn. Your time to gloat as the title you’ve come to know and love receives its latest content patch.
The major addition to is an all-new feature, Weekend Events. Every four or five weeks, a weekend will be designated as a Weekend Event. During that Saturday and Sunday, players will be rewarded for participating in various aspects of the game. For example, coming this weekend is the gold event. Players will receive five times the gold for completed quests and Guard Duty.


That’s just a taste of the events.


UI changes:

• Accounts can no longer be all numbers. This fixes an issue with searching for a player with all numbers in the Hall of Fame returning the person at that rank.
• Account names can no only be 15 characters, down from 20.
• Guild leaders and officers can invite directly from the Hall of Fame thanks to a new button.
• The ‘Delete’ button will not change positions.
• The Guild Roster now has a new color. The color will denote if a character is only ready for one of the two upcoming battles, defense and attack.

Content changes:

• The first quest of the day will always reward a
• Potions are now stackable. They give 10%, 15% and 25% of your attributes..
• Potions now last three days, up from one.
• PvP wins now award more gold.
• Completely Senseless Button - The new feature in the Options menu will reward purchasers with a completely senseless reskin to the character menu. It costs 1,000 - yes, one thousand - and offers no bonus of any kind. Screenshot coming soon.

Guild changes:

• Catapult - This new guild feature allows a guild to load the catapult with three giant When loaded, the payload will hit a random player target in the next guild fight, doing 50% damage to the unfortunate player. If killed before the fight - ie assaulting an inactive player - the player will not participate at all.
• Inactive players now only have 10% health when defending, down from 50%. The change was made to reduce the strength of inactive characters in battles.
• Guilds that are 3,000 honor lower than your guild are no longer attackable.
• The Guild page now has chat sounds.

The update will go live today or tomorrow.

Doves

Since I am having such a gay old time with Indie music, here is another band which has caught my ear, quite out of nowhere to be honest.

Doves is a British Indie band hailing from that aptly named county Cheshire (Ciciz made me put that in, honest!). They aren't that well-known but they did score a modest hit with Kingdom of Rust in the movie Zombieland. I'll start off with that song straight away:



One of my favourite songs of that 2009 album Kingdom of Rust has to be Winter Hill:



I'll top this session off with a bit of a nice upbeat song of theirs, House of Mirrors:



That's it for this week. Hope I am still on time! :)

Cheers
Nargoth

You can call a jack a jack, or call a spade a spade,
but a whore should be called a lady, let no mistake be made.
For everyone's lot in life is sorely tough,
so show some kindness and sure enough,
you'll find out how much a small kindness is repaid.

- sbbenhcs, your humble minstrel

I won't tell you if this is a life lesson, or just a good tip to get better *cough* service ... you'll have to figure that out for yourselves. But someone's got to keep you lot on your toes, eh? Less preachy, more saucy next week.

Soundcheck !

Hey all !

Here I am, once again (aren't you guys tired of reading the crap I write?) for this week's most awesome and truthful column on this website; Soundcheck ! Again, quickly, the principle is simple : you provide me with your birthday, I extrapolate from it to get the date (approximate in one case) of when your parents conceived you (this case), when you turned 14 and then 21. With the help of a totally 100% accurate website (HA!), I can know what was the #1 hit song on that day in Canada and the USA. And of course, we all know that those three songs mapped out your whole life, so we can have fun making all sorts of assumptions.

But I assure you it is absolutely pin-point, bull's eye accurate, you can ask Ghetto, he'll tell you.

So, we're all on the same page ? Great. 

We began this awesome column with Dolgan Elfbane two weeks ago, and Ghettoforce was our lucky contestant last week.

This week, we will be looking into the music that formed our dear, yet recentlysomewhat quiet  but still plotting to take over the ghetto, our own lilypad-constrained whip-swinging dungeon-loving kitty-eating belly-dancing bird-watching funny-looking pink-leather-wearing freedom-stealing scary-stuff-saying Mistress AAylia !

So when her reign all began, on a warm and beautiful, yet strangely evil night, two beings in love were about to create what would later be feared and dreaded in the entire world of S&F. To ease the mood, they turn on the radio and here is what they heard :

"Get back!", "Get back!", they said, but no one listened. Thus, our beloved AAylia was now part of this world.

When she turned 14, our mistress was out there, modeling herself to her idols. Funky clothes, weird color schemes, all sorts of stuff in her hair to make sure it stays like it should, puffy and I-just-woke-up looking.

And Jump ! And so she jumped. All day, all night, she jumped and assumed herself as a marginal.

When she turned 21, she climbed in her car to go get some booze. She turned on the radio, and after only a few notes, was singing along to this hit :

So it seems that even AA has a soft side. And she likes basketball players and kids dancing on their teacher's desk. That explains everything.

I hope you guys enjoyed this week's Soundcheck. It was great writing it.

Come back next week, as our great friend Woopydoo gets his turn !

Cheers!

Alyxyn comes into the pressroom walking kinda oddly, with a side to side gait. Muttering darkly about Ghettoforce's pointy little bony feet, he brings in the news that's fit to spit.

"Dis last week haz had sum ups and downs. Dere haf been sum terrific struggles wit Endless und de endlessly mundane animated Bunnies. Exp has been earned and many Fezs of brew haf been downed. Howevah, allah us officerz haf been watchin a bit closer and haf noticed sum issues. Primarily, many pipples haf been missin dere checkins. Dis is bad enuff, however several of those people have actually been logged in at the time. BAD SCUM! We needcher checkin rate to be sky high to win und retain de coveted premiere ranking for our guild! Get out dere! Click in and do yer jobs as scum.

Not clickin in haz consequenzes fold. Jezt dis weekend one scum got da toe of GBrain's boot und wuz walked offa da plank. However, eben as rabid undead bunnies ate his corpse, he dun got replaced. We kin all welcome da r34lg33k as da latest scum addition to our ranks... und he is already showing his quality by climbing up da ranks in de arena.

Fer the rest of us, we are doing alright und focusing on our indeeviduul improvements. Wordplay grew 4 levels, Akhdar and Nargoth both grew 3 apiece. Congrats to Nargipoo fer finally rising above his average nature and excelling. I kin only attribut his 'rise' to the tender mercies of Ciciz, his prized barwench, who has been keeping an eye on him.

Az tah personal bests, as of de totalling of who is wot, 5 of de top rankings in the arena are scum. 1, 2, 5, 7, 9 all hold with dere scummy natures. Dis iz wot ahv meant as to de scrum at de top. Wit da G33kst3r joining in too, we kin look forward to that exalted area becoming progressively more scummy. One example of dat is Pizzar scoring to 48 with an improvement of 20. Another is Redwood18 rising 21 ranks to hold number 60.. with a bullet.

As fer scrapbooking, we gotz 19 members in de 95% club but we still got some slackerz down below 50% Con on you two! git da lead out. One ah yaz only haz 4% tah go to avoid harassment.. Letz git'r dun!

FreshScumFlash: r34lg33k

Scum! We got him! The Eagle has landed… wait… no… Eagle Talon is still at Pwnies… We got him! We found Alien again… ehm… no… still MIA sadly. Oh right, that was it. Scum! I present to you the return of l337!

r34lg33k is back and ready to fill your chatbox with nonsense again. Yes, you might remember him from the old Izzone days, or a bit more recently from My Lil Pwnies. He's finally joined the land of scum to be reunited with some of his old pals. I heard he is very good at making new friends, but that could just be the scare factor. I mean seriously, look at his stats.

He's level 272 (kicking his buddy magnumpower from the frontpage) and a dragonriding, axewielding warrior. Since his return to the game, he worked hard, and it shows. He is currently ranked 9^th in the HoF and managed to get his scrapbook up to 97.88%, instantly joining the 95% club on arrival. Now THAT is an example to follow,  Scum!

You might think he is a nice guy, after all he just helped Colormax do about a gazillion dungeons, but don’t be fooled. His list of “faithfull departed” is so long that he can’t even actually list them  And ladies, watch yourself around him ok? That lipstick on his cheek looks deadly and higly contagious…

Welcome r34lg33k, hope you have fun while you are here.

You also might have noticed we kicked out KingErumm. He has been MIA for seven days without any warning. That is too long. Scum remember, if you go away for a day or more, let Tofurkey know. He keeps track of your whereabouts and can also set you up with a babysitter. Don’t go MIA on us. We currently have eight pipples on the waitinglist that want to become scum too. So be active, have fun and let us kick some bunny butt till they give up and run away crying.

With all the talk of Musketeers in the entertainment pages of my local newspaper, I thought I'd turn to one of my favorite genres for this week's column. 

I have to tell you, I'm excited about the movie for a couple of reasons.  First, swashbucklers at sea, swashbucklers in space or swashbucklers with swords .. I love 'em.  Can't get enough.  And secondly, Orlando Bloom in an evil role.  Let's see if he has more acting chops than an archly raised eyebrow.  I know, I know, I'm not being fair.  I love the dude and I just wish he could delight me as thoroughly in this role as Alan Rickman has in all his evil incarnations.

However, moving back to the written word from celluloid entertainment ... this week, I get to gleefully go back to my childhood where I waved my plastic sword at my brothers and chased them around the house with a towel tied around my neck for a cape.  Until we broke something.  Something always got broke. 

The Age of Chivalry comes to life under the deft hand of Dave Duncan.  In The Gilded Chain, we meet the residents of Ironhall, a bit of a ramshackle, sprawling castle and grounds that houses every level of swordsman imaginable.  From the rawest recruit to the most shining example, every level of learning comes with its own set of responsibilities and ways for wayward apprentices to mess up on the way to earning their sword.  

At the end of the training, The King's Visit is a time of special celebration as he binds his newest Blades to his service through a magical rite, changing their life immeasurably.  However, things can go wrong ... a hesitation in the rite may cost a life or students may find their new master intolerable. 

Or they may find that the king will bind them to another favorite courtier, a fate that relegates the swordsman to glory much less exalted or heralded in pubs by troubadours than being in the king's service.  Repute as a fine swordsman goes a long way to securing employment once released from the king's service, which will hopefully be decades in their future.

In terms of benefits, the binding is a pretty much a one-way street of bittersweet.  Sleep is no longer needed, but if the King dies, a  Blade will likely go insane and kill himself - if he doesn't actually kill others around them in his frenzy.  A King who declares war is likely going to live a shorter lifespan, a bit of a worrisome thing.  And King Ambrose is not a well liked man.
 

~~~ ◄•► ~~~

From The Gilded Chain

Roland considered drawing his sword and sliding it into Kromman until the blade would go no farther, then taking it out again--by another route, for variety. That would be an act of public service he should have performed a lifetime ago, but it would create a serious scandal. Word would flash across all Eurania that the King of Chivial‘s private secretary had been murdered by his lord chancellor, sending courtiers of a dozen capitals into fits of hysterical giggles. Lord Roland must behave himself. It was a pleasing fantasy, though.

Meanwhile, the winter night was falling. He still had work piled up like snowdrifts, a dozen petitioners waiting to see him, and no time to waste on this black-robed human fungus.

Patience! "As you well know, Master Secretary, such rumors go around every couple of years--rumors about me, about you, about many of the King‘s ministers." Ambrose probably started most of the stories himself, but if his chancellor said so to Kromman, Kromman would tattle back to him. "His Majesty has more sense than to listen to slander. Now, have you brought some business for me?"

"No, Lord Chancellor. No more business for you." Kromman was not hiding his enjoyment; he was up to something. Even in his youth, as a Dark Chamber inquisitor, he had been repugnant--spying and snooping, prying and plotting, maligning anyone he could not destroy. Now, with age-yellowed eyes and hair trailing like cobwebs out from under his black biretta, he had all the appeal of a corpse washed up on a beach. Even the King, who had few scruples, referred to him in private as rat poison. Some days he looked even worse, though. What secret joy was he savoring at the moment?
  

~~~ ◄•► ~~~

From Lord of the Firelands

Dealings were less civilized when youngsters were present. Adolescents and older children were ordered outside and herded down to the harbor for future consideration. In much less than an hour, Ambleport was stripped bare of valuables and its young people stood in a terrified huddle on the quay. There had been almost no resistance.

Almost none. Gerard had been fast asleep in the Green Man, blissfully dreaming of Charlotte. He was wakened by someone kicking in the door of the room next to his, and had just enough time to leap out of bed and snatch up his rapier. When his own door was smashed open by a red-bearded raider, he attacked.

He had never been in a fight in his life and had never expected to be. But he was a gentleman, and gentlemen sported either rapier or short sword. To gird on a weapon one could not use was folly, so he had taken lessons at a very respected school in Grandon--not many lessons, for his means were limited, but he was nimble and accurate. Alas, in this instance, also rash. The only crazy naked berserker in Ambleport that morning was Gerard of Waygarth. His victim looked more surprised than hurt when the steel point went through his beard and up into his brain, but he folded down to his knees and collapsed on his shield and ax in a entirely appropriate manner.

Another Bael filled the doorway behind him--younger, shorter, and broader. With a blood-chilling scream he leaped over his fallen comrade. His shield brushed Gerard‘s rapier aside like a twig and slammed its owner back into the wall hard enough to stun. The fight was over even before the raider brought up his knee. This technique was not taught in the gentlemen‘s fencing schools.

~~~ ◄•► ~~~

From Sky of Swords

Strategy . . . she must think strategy. She must still have supporters plotting on her behalf, although of course they dare do little while she was a prisoner. As long as she lived, rightful Queen of Chivial, the Usurper could not rest easy on his ill-gotten throne. Assassination was what she had expected; for half a year she had waited for poison or poniard or the silken noose. Every new dawn had been a surprise. Public execution was not a possibility she had seriously considered until the warrant of this inquiry was thrust in her hand the previous day. A public trial she had never even dreamed of. Perhaps Lord Chancellor Whatever-his-name-was-now did not have Parliament quite s tame s he would like, if the Usurper had been forced to stage this farce.

Dare she consider the faint possibility that she might not be going to die of it? Alas, when hope flickered, the rage that had sustained her waned and give way to fear, so that the skin on her arms puckered in gooseflesh and her fingers began to shake. She was on trial for her life and the deck stacked against her.

The clerk had stopped.

One of the peers jumped in with a question . . . " . . . that you conspired to effect the murder of your father, His Late Majesty Ambrose IV--"

"No!" she snapped. "I deny that charge utterly."

"How would you describe your relations with your father? Warm? Loyal? Dutiful?"

"It was no secret," Malinda said deliberately. "As a child I was taught to hate him, fear him, and despise him. When I was old enough to make up my own mind, I found no reason to those opinions." After all, he had driven his first two wives insane and murdered the third; his fourth was to be a girl of seventeen, a month younger than his daughter. "I sincerely believe that he was a strong and effective king of Chivial and the realm has suffered greatly from his untimely death. In his private life he was a tyrant, and I never loved him, but his death was not something I planned or desired."

She had never intended to kill him. That had been an oversight.

~~~ ◄•► ~~~

Dave Duncan is easily one of my favorite authors and not just because we shared a hometown until fairly recently.   He has an uncomplicated writing style, character motives are understandable and he draws a comprehensive picture of the period, the era in which the courtiers, swordsmen and nobility of Chivial live.


Each one of the King's Blades books stand alone, and indeed, there are more than the three I've covered here.  I believe you can get some of them in omnibus versions.  There are also collections of short stories to more fully round out the tales.


Click on the Dave Duncan masthead near the top to to go his website.

Alaska Landing!

HOWDY TROOPS!

OK, Ladies & Germs! Last we talked, I was at 33,000 ft. with a horrible meal, but as promised, those flight attendants sure made it up to me! :)

So, where did the great Chef land? Well, here I am, safe and sound in the great state of Alaska! I have always enjoyed coming to this state. Friendly peeps, and wildlife, and GREAT food as well!

Today I asked a few of the locals, to point me to a landmark for good grub, and they pointed me to this fine little establishment here...

So whats the story behind this eatery? Here's some info taken from their website:

Humpy’s was founded in 1994 with the goal of providing downtown Anchorage a casual, neighborhood alehouse. Excellent food at reasonable prices, live local music and a fantastic selection of draught beers proved a winning combination, and Humpy’s was an overnight success. Humpy’s attracted loyal supporters in droves and revitalized the downtown nightlife scene.

Over a decade later Humpy’s is still going strong – a favorite with locals and tourists alike. Their secret is offering a little something for everyone. Music fans come in to enjoy everything from acoustic to rock performed by popular local musicians. Sports fans watch their favorite teams on the Big Screens or one of our many plasma TVs. Arts patrons drop in for a pre or post show drink when attending performances at the Alaska Center for the Performing Arts (sometimes the artists themselves even drop into Humpy’s; the Jame’s Cotton Blues Band rocked the open mic session after playing the PAC). And, food lovers of all stripes know that Humpy’s menu is a great value (their daily specials are some of Anchorage’s best kept secrets).

Humpy’s patio offers outdoor seating during the summer. Most folks gravitate to it during Anchorage’s beautiful, warm summer days. It’s a fantastic place to meet with friends, brag about your Alaskan exploits, and enjoy a summer ale and the best Alaskan Red King Crab in the world.

Humpy’s is a place tailor-made for beer lovers, by beer lovers. We believe in good food, good company, and of course, good beer — all at a fair price. So come see why we’re so popular with Alaskans and tourists alike!

Link

So, what did the Great Chef ask for second, and third plates of? This....

Reindeer Sausage!!

Actually, after they're done hacking the beast to bits, its comes out looking like this...

Scum, I just can't tell you how good this really is.

Yeah, yeah, blah blah,... "Oooohhhhhh, how mean, a poor defenseless little reindeer."  SHUT YOUR MOUTH and quit your crying! This is a meal for kings.  Ya, I would hack up Disney's Bambi if I knew I would get a great meal like this. So stop your belly aching!

You can also order it in sandwich form...

Looks can be deceiving! The taste is phenomenal!

My second dish from Humpy's to try was this...

Scum, you haven't lived till you tried fresh Alaskan King Crab! I mean right off the boat fresh!

Here is a link to their menu:

Humpy's Menu

All in all, Humpy's just simply rocks. great food, service, and ...

Yup, you guessed it .. the ladies!

C'mon Scum, you knew where this was headed. Ya, even in a more remote place such as here in the last true frontier as they call it, my fame knows no bounds!

I want to thank the crew here at Humpy's and the locals, for making my stay here more than worth while. So, I'm off on another hot date....WHEEW.. Sheesh, when I get back from the road, I'm gonna need a vacation from this vacation! I will see you scum next week on another thrilling adventure.

And just as the Chef always says..... Don't do anything I wouldn't do. And if you do, be sure to name it after me.



Hey everyone !

Kamisama here for another entry of the World Class Scum column. This week, we'll go into a weird Japanese subject: TV commercials.

Now obviously, TV commercials in Japan, or any other country for that matter, takes more time to cover than most subjects. TV commercials in Japan are no exception. It will take me a little while to cover all the ones that are worth mentioning. And I'm not even talking about the TV shows, which I will also cover in later posts.

But this week, I would like to talk about a specific Japanese TV commercials; the Mame-shiba. Mame means "bean". So any kind of bean, or nut that comes from a shell (like peanuts, cashews or any other kind of bean) will have its turn in this commercial.

The point in Mameshiba is that the bean will tell a random fact to the one about to eat it. The person listening to it will have a reaction to the fact, usually disdain, and act accordingly. Those are totally random facts, but are still interesting to know. Anyway, even if you don't care about the facts, the ads are still funny.

Please note that some jokes require a basic knowledge of Japanese culture, and it will be my pleasure to explain them to you if you take the time to say: "I don't understand Mameshiba #10" (for example). But you should understand most of them.

They go through the beans family, may it be lentils, peanuts, red beans, mangetout beans, coffee beans, tiger beans, soybeans, cocoa beans, pistachios, fava beans or any other bean out there, they got it.

Make sure you grab the originals subtitled in English on Youtube.

Here are my top 3 Mameshiba. Others are really good too.
(Please note that for some reason, when watching a video here on the Scumbase, the last word is missing in most of the translations, meaning every individual speech bubble. For better results, please go on Youtube to look at them. Sorry for the inconvenience.)

And so many more !

I hope you enjoy ! I'm sorry my column is online so late, but according to my clock, it's still Friday, so.... bwahahah !!

See ya next week folks !!

Birthday Bashes and More

Birthday Bashes

WOW busy week!  We had to buy more candles. We had 4 birthdays (possibly 3 if i missed one last week) 

First the possible miss. WordPlay, either I missed your 200 or you are a leveling machine at 202 already. Anyway she is a cute little elf with a tat in the middle of her head. She is a rather know-it-all and has fire boots on .. in case she is in the throne room when/if a fire ever breaks out. 

Next, we have Melange who is apparently an initiate in the blind demon club already having one eye poked out. He also hits 200. If you have never read his info page do it now  .. it is one of the best!

   
We have two who hit 175 this week.  Valind a nerdy looking elf with an overbite.  Don't let his looks fool you though. He still carries around the skull of the last guy who made fun of him. Last, but not least, we have Kamisama (has anyone noticed how much he looks like his talking head?) He also has a staff that looks like it could cause fires, thus explaining WordPlay's boots.

95% Club

Kamisama joins the 95% club (HMMMM any connection). FlyingJoe joins (about time) Gloryinchaos (with a huge jump), and Nargoth ( another big jumper) the dungeon win was a big help this week. This brings our total to 19 getting an excellent bonus great work scum.

Deep 6ers

No body leaves the dungeon this week but with a big move from behind Kossar gets to less than 1% needed to escape the Gboss's wrath good move Kossar now get to work.

White Lies

It's Indie music time! Yes, folks. I finally caved and I am going soft on you. Indie music, like goth, is a type of music that makes you want to kill yourself slowly with a blunt razorblade, or die in a fire or something. But, unlike goth, Indie makes it sound like they are having fun while doing it.

OK, OK, don't flame me to death now. I really like Indie. I have a soft spot for all these silly bands out there, like Kasabian and Editors and Death Cab for Cutie and Sigur Ros and Royksopp and what not. So, let me introduce one of the bands that has actually had quite an effect on me personally: Pink Floyd! No, no, wait. That was during my other youth. I meant, White Lies!

They are a British band with two albums out, To Lose My Life (2009) and Ritual (2011). They are both very good albums, and instead of me whining on about how good they are, I am just going to post a few video clips of them. I'll let you decide for yourself whether it's to your taste or not.

White Lies - To Lose My Life


White Lies - Farewell to the Fairground


White Lies - Death


White Lies - Is Love


White Lies - Bad Love


White Lies - Bigger than Us


I hope you enjoyed this little British expedition. See you again next week!

Cheers
Nargoth

Welcome to this very anticipated (right?!?) column that looks into some of the music that might have infuenced your life in some way, maybe... yeah...

So this week is a big one, as our next participant is none other than our good old, grumpy Ghettoforce himself ! That's right folks, our very own GBoss is not afraid of what's out there! Without any further intro, as we all know him and respe-- *dodges a coffee cup thrown by someone in the crowd* --respire the same air, here is Ghettoforce's music story.

When his dad and mom had the maaaaarrrvelous idea to create such a being as GBoss, this is what was in their heads :

So everything should have started very well for our little Ghetto, that being a song of looooove and all that. Indeed, this was I Honestly Love You by Olivia Newton-John.

But then, when he was fully in his teenage rebellion, at 14 years old, he was telling the world how they had to know him. He had his hair all rebel and stuff, just like his idol at the time :

And he was all emo over the girls, but singing to them he's keeping his distance. Smart boy.

We all know that our favorite GBoss always had a tendency to drink. Although it has been rumored that our leader drank whiskey straight before he could actually say "whiskey straight", we'll just pretend he went driving, at 21 years old, to buy his booze for his birthday celebration. Indeed, 'cause that night, they where all trashing to :

So yeah... How did GBoss turn the way he did listening to that kind of music ? You all can make your own theory. I have to say that the image I had of Ghetto changed a bit after seeing all these. I'm even laughing a little.

This week was great !
Let's keep it up !

 As I walked in search of true beauty's perfection,
  I couldn't help but keep changing direction.
When I was asked why this was,
  I would simply reply "Because,
Each pretty lass gives my compass an erection."

- sbbenhcs, the lovable laureate of lintelton

Author's note: this particular poem gave *cough* rise to that most poignant of gnomish sayings, "he couldn't see the forest through the bushes... erm, trees."

Editor's Note:  Changed previous note to more accurately reflect the circumstance.  :D

Da tiny greenie shows up, looking even more green than usual, his face rather drawn and sweaty. Pulling an immense, heavily patched woolen blanket tightly around him, he scratches out some words in a shaky hand. He finally lays his head down on the table next to his paper and fades off into slumber. Shortly after, he begins to emit huge bellows of echoing snores as drool slowly  pools below his cheek.

His words on the paper read:

"Dis lazt week wuz good.. we dun kilt de dunjon und beat ahr way up da ladder ta numbah 1. We'z dun proved we be contendahs!

"Den we sents pipples off tah hep da Zenith folks und dida heckuva job on two dunjons und almost anudder.

"Ovah all, we averaged jezt ovah one level a piece but both Gloryinchaos and Pizzar grabbed three levels each.. good job everahone."

As you read that, a loud snorting, horking cough is emitted. After a moment of groaning and writhing, Alyxyn rolls over onto his side, soaking one ear in his own drool before settling into sleep once more to a slightly softer drone of snoring.

"In de arena us scummies haf been making sum moves. Its too bad dat the fights aint open ta de public as we'z gotz several scummies fighting in the absolute top levels of de gladiators. Bain exemplified da scummie spirit by fighting his way up 13 ranks back to number 2. Dolgan seems intent to join dem ranks too as he struggled up two more levels to 23rd. Go Cookie!

"With our scrapbooks, we are doing nicely. Wit da fall uf da dunjon several pipples got lotsa stamps like me. Between dat un personal fights, we iz proceedin tah fill ahr books. A coupla pipples gots more den 1% of dere books just last week, namely Magnumpower, gloryinchaos and farkentje. But da person dat exceeded more den othahs wuz Nargipoo, Mr. Average Scum hisseff!"

You can see in the ink that the dot of the exclamation mark trails off to the right where Alyxyn's hand still holds the pen, ink slowly leaving the pen.

week ending Oct 17, 2011

ScumFlash: Dungeon Party Zenith

Scum is returning from the dungeon party at Zenith. They managed to beat two dungeons (D23 and D24). Sadly, they barely lost D25 twice. Way to go Scum and Zenitheers! We'll have to try D25 again another time in the near future.

With these two dungeons down, Zenith is ranked 5th when it comes to guildstats again. That is a very impresive result. Lets hope they can catch a couple of new players with their great guildstats and manage to fight their way back to the top 15 in the HoF again soon.

Just as Lord Judicator already did, I want to thank every one of you that went over to Zenith to help them out. And a big shoutout to R34lg33k for helping too.

The Bunny Corpses and Endless better start watching their backs again, because in 24 hours we'll be resuming our march up the ranks again.

Ps. Seeing FlyingJoe is the last to return to us, I assigned him to dishwashing duties for the rest of the week. Hide your good china though, because I'm sure the blind demon will break a few in the process.

If you're like me, the webpage I'm about to show you is a bit dangerous.  I waste far too much time on this site and yet, it's like a drug pulling me back.   It's not unusual for me to be wiping tears from my face as I read it.

I give you .. Damnyouautocorrect.com.  Enjoy!

Flying Chef!

HOWDY TROOPS!

Ok Ladies & Germs...

First. off, I have to apologize for this post being late. Yes, the great chef was on route to his next destination when he was detained at the airport, but is now in flight. Delays, delays, delays! B ut since I'm writing this column at 33,000 ft, I thought to myself, HEY, this gives me the opportunity to check on our Airline Cuisine!

So, here we have a lovely flight attendant bringing the great Chef his meal...

I thought "hhhhmmm, great service, with lovely
presentation, and nicely packaged." ......

Then after carefully opening the hot package, this is what was laid before me....

?????????????????????????????????????????

There are question marks here, 'cause frankly, Scum, I don't exactly know what it is. This is what i call a U.F.O.........

Unidentified Fried Object!

This stuff smells like bat barf. I would not feed this even to you Scum! Well, come to think of it, even my dog. But hey Scum, feel privileged that you were thought of before the family pet.  After rejecting this so called "meal," I resorted to something to get my mind off the quivering piece of ... um, er ... eh ... meat ????? before me. Which would be this.....

Ahhh, yes! You gotta love those Canadians!

So as I'm flying to my next destination , I wash my troubled experience away in this bottle of (which I so elegantly deem it) NECTAR OF THE GODS!

However, having celebrity status goes a long way my fellow Scum, as a few of my admirers plan to make it up to me, (if you know what I mean!) ...

So, there you have it, another exciting adventure from the great Chef! I will surprise you next week with another thrilling adventure. In the meantime, I have to get back to my lady friends here, and more importantly ... My bottle of Crown Royal!

And just as the Chef always says ...

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal Lobotomy"